Top 11 Animals I Would Kiss as a Zoophile

There are so many different kinds of cool animals in the world! As a zoophile (someone who is attracted to animals), I can personally say that I am interested in kissing a lot of them, and I would enthusiastically say yes to so many dates on Animals Tinder if Animals Tinder was a thing. Different animals just seem like they would have such different things to bring to kissing: different interests, different paces, different kinds of mouths.
From personal experience, I'll admit, I can really only say what kissing dogs is like. (It's perfect.) But here are the top eleven other animals I think it would be nice to kiss!
Number 11: Elephant
Check. Out. That. Trunk!
Elephants use their trunks spray water over themselves to cool off, and to suck in water to put into their mouths to drink like they are their own drinking fountain. Elephants use their trunks grab things to snack on. Elephants use their trunks to greet one another, wrapping their trunks around one another like a slithery handshake. Elephants use their trunks to breathe and to smell.
Maybe, an elephant could use their trunk to give me a kiss :3c
If a 10,000 pound four-legger approaches me and wants to Eskimo kiss, I'm going to find 50 words for Yes.
Number 10: Lion (female preference, personally!)
Those striking eyes. Those expressive ears. That ADORABLE chin. Lionesses are a big yes from this zoophile, even if I don't really get to hang out with them at home.
Cats always seem to love me. When I'm visiting someone's house, and they have a cat, it's usually not long before the cat is walking around me purring as I hold my hand out and let them nuzzle against my fingers. I have FULL confidence that me and a lioness would get along the same amount if we ever met face to face in Africa.
After me and a lioness smooch, we can walk across the grasslands in the sunset together, two girlbosses who can both run 50 MPH (or drive that fast if provided with a car and a road and gas.)
Number 9: Snake
Contrary to popular media depictions, snakes aren't these evil creatures whose only desire is to bite you. From what I've seen myself, and from talking to snake people who took care of like 10 snakes and were around a bunch of other people's snakes too, the main thing about snakes is that they're only interested in simpler things. They don't so much care about learning words like "sit" or "roll over." They care basically only about things like, "Am I warm right now" or "Am I hungry right now."
Maybe there are some species of snakes that are evil bite creatures, but, that's never been the snakes I've seen personally. I've seen humans casually have snakes hanging out wrapped around their shoulders like a scarf. I've seen humans unbothered by snakes having their heads right up against the human's face.
I personally would be unbothered if a snake gave me a quick little scaly kiss, whether because they turned out to understand love after all or whether because they noticed my breath was warm and wanted in on that for a sec and then slithered away again.
Number 8: Sheep
You know, it's kind of funny that I don't know any sheep zoos. I mean, I know zoos who spent their youth on farms, and so I probably do know a zoo or two who has kissed a sheep before. But for all the stereotyping about sheep being a really sexy animal that's a common fencehopping desire, I don't think I've ever actually met another zoo who was like Sheep Are My Passion.
That said, I wouldn't be complaining whatsoever if a sheep decided that I was their passion.
I think kissing a sheep would be a very peaceful and compassionate experience and definitely taste like grass.
Number 7: Otter
Otters seem very clever and playful, curious and swift, apex and adorable.
Recently in the Zooey Dot Pub Discord, a Certified Cool member named Fishy Otterkin ζ shared a video of a man filming a vlog in some water with a selfie stick, and an otter swam up and was making very conversational noises while prodding at the guy's face with their ottery nose/cheeks. It was very cute and communicative and I loved it.
If an otter asked if I'd like to get coffee sometime, I would be a little surprised that otters drink coffee, but I would say yes and be very up for all of the conversational face nuzzling that they want.
Number 6: Human
Ugh, like. Sure, humans are animals too. But like. Not EVERY animal is THAT attractive. And there are a lot of humans I would really really really really really rather NOT kiss, because a lot of humans are just boring at best and repulsive at average. But, sure, there are some humans I would kiss.
I think ideally I would kiss Justin Timberlake. He is very cute, but often in a scruffy and approachable way. He's good at singing, so he could sing me a nice song about kissing before we kiss. He has a sense of humor, so I think he would be charming and fun about the whole "human kissing another human" weirdness.
Like, for 99% of cases, trying to kiss another human kind of seems like trying to tickle yourself, I just don't see how it's going to happen, realistically. But there does seem to be that 1% where you can kinda share the silliness of it all with them and have a good time.
Number 5: Cow
One of the top 5 best known animal sounds. One of the top 5 thieves of my heart. I would gladly hang out with a posse of cows day after day, making sure that anything they were distressed about was checked out and making sure that they got good food and water and a safe environment to cow it up in.
Noticing me, wanting to knock me over with their head, a cow comes up and pushes their head into me, knocking me over completely but I get back up and hug them this time, as they also wanted. I pet their head, and then we kiss and it's very nice and we both appreciated getting to do that.
Number 4: Skunk
Skunks really have an approach to life that I vibe with. For a defense mechanism, they could have evolved to have poison that kills you, or claws that kill you, or cool spike bullets that shoot out and kill you. Instead, they have chosen to give you a warning, a lesson, a non lethal deterrent: if you come at them, they will spray you with skunk juice and make you stinky.
Creatures of peace. Creatures of being smelly. Creatures of coming up to me as I lie in the forest and giving me a little nuzzle and a kiss.
Number 3: Horse
Need I say more? No, but I will.
When the creator of the universe was making all of the stars and planets, sunsets and cityscapes, volcanic eruptions and calm tranquil seas, it was clear that that was all just an afterthought to the true purpose of making beauty: horses.
The way they run, the way their mane flows past their powerful neck, the hooves and the eyes and the noses. If, like in The Princess Bride, a king said to go find the most beautiful woman in all the land, then the king's men would be failing in their task if they did not bring the king back a mare.
If a horse wanted to kiss me, I would kiss a horse.
Number 2: Rat
Tickly whiskers, tickly twitchy noses, and a contagious and captivating curiosity that tickles our hearts. If you've ever gotten to take care of a rat before, you've probably seen how interested they are in whatever it is that's going on around them, pointing their head towards the interesting things and wiggling their nose around to capture the related scents, slanting their ears to pick up on the noteworthy sounds. When you hand them some food, they take it like you have handed them a very high-class award that they were looking forward to. When you find like ten items of food later and it's all buried under bedding that they seem to have peed on, it's probably because they were cherishing the food that you gave them so much that they didn't want anyone else to find it.
Rats are very personable, happy to crawl around on us, happy to accept snacks from our hands.
I myself would be happy to accept a kiss from a rat.
Honorable Mentions
Okay okay okay. A lot of animals have not made this list. This is just my own list! Maybe you do want to kiss animals who I don't want to kiss, and that's okay! There are also some animals I would be up for kissing but who only didn't make the list because they were similar to other animals, for example, I didn't list ponies in addition to horses. But, for the animals who didn't make the cut, I wanted to give some honorable mentions.
Birds: I would say that very many birds have nice-colored feathers, and I've enjoyed watching little nature documentaries on how some birds live their lives. There seems to be a lot of creativity and freedom in the way that they live. But, like. As far as kissing, I just don't know what to do with the beak, sorry.
Sea Animals: A lot of them have scary mouths! I think there are many sea creatures who have appealing features overall, but, just, the mouths, I'm sorry but I would either be frightened to kiss them or not interested!
Goats: This one pains me to say, because, goats totally have the look. Visually, goats are GOATED. Chin scruff, horns, hooves, goats SHOULD be an animal that would be near to the top of my list. But like, I have never been able to tell what they're saying. I can't tell a happy baa from an angry baa. When it comes to dogs, I can tell apart an overjoyed bark, an annoyed bark, a playful bark, a communicative alertness bark, an asleep and barking in my sleep bark. Goats, I've just never spoken the same language yet. I'm sure that goats could make the list of top eleven animals I would kiss someday, but, for right now, goats are getting no kisses from this zoo.
And so, now, the number one animal I would kiss as a zoophile...
Number 1: Wolves
Wolves are like dogs, but HUGE. Playing around, chewing on sticks, rubbing bellies, imagine all of that but the four-legger is taller than YOU are! As someone who loves big dogs, the idea of spending time with wolves sounds absolutely delightful. When I'm interacting with dogs, I like to show respect and care to them by getting on the ground and being lower than they are. If we're playing tug of war, I want to be face to face with them or lower, and I think they notice, when I do this, that I am more like them than other humans. A wolf already being so tall would honestly just make my animal interactions that much easier!
It is also true that wolves have some different behaviors from dogs. I think the basics are the same, but like, what I've been lead to understand is that wolves are less inclined to rely on humans, less inclined to treat them as a part of the pack.
That said, I have seen gifs on the internet of a wolf sticking like as much of their snout into a human's mouth as they could to say hi, and, jealous.
Those are some animals I would kiss! I think a lot of animals regard kissing as polite, and I would love to politely kiss a lot of them.
Article written by Dogteeth (April 2024)
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