How to Identify a Zoophile

Hi there, this is xxxZoophileHater666xxx. I've hacked into the Zooey Dot Pub mainframe to bring you some important information. I'm going to teach you how to identify zoophiles. We all know that zoos are monsters, but they're monsters that wear the skin of humans. That's right. Anyone around you could be a stinky zoo. But, if you spend enough time wallowing in the cesspools that I have, you learn a few tricks to spot them in the wild. So, if you also hate zoophiles and are looking to figure out how to expose more of them, read on. 
Let's start with a deep cut secret that I learned very recently. There's a zoo dog whistle that zoophiles use to identify one another. It's a closely guarded secret, but I follow 17 zoophiles on twitter and so I've done my research. Have you ever seen this symbol before? 
That's called a "zeta." It's a Greek letter. The zoophiles think they're so clever, but I'm on to them. You see, the zeta looks a lot like a certain symbol in English. That's right. The number 7. And how many lives does a cat have? 7. It's a symbol to represent how they think their community is never going to die. The fools. Also they want to fuck cats.
It doesn't just stop there though. The conspiracy goes much deeper. You know who else uses Greek letters? That's right. Greek people. In fact, they invented them! It's impossible to know who exactly invented the zeta, but all Greek people have used it, so clearly they're complicit in the zoophile agenda. 
You know who else uses Greek symbols? Math people. That's right, I bet you thought you were going to escape my investigation, but I got you! I googled "Zeta math" and I found this...
"Riemann zeta function, function useful in number theory for investigating properties of prime numbers. Written as ζ(x), it was originally defined as the infinite series ζ(x) = 1 + 2−x + 3−x + 4−x + ⋯. When x = 1, this series is called the harmonic series, which increases without bound—i.e., its sum is infinite."
I don't know what any of that means because I'm not a dirty zoophile, but I understand enough. A "Zeta Function"? Is that some kind of code for a secret zoo meet, readable only to other zoos through some kind of mathematical code? And who is Riemann? Is that possibly Tarro's real name? Solving this mystery only led deeper down the rabbit hole. And not in a weird way if any gross zoophiles are reading this. Regardless, one thing is for sure. Anyone who knows math past multiplication and division is more than likely a zoophile. "Math class" in high school is nothing but an indoctrination camp, which is why I chose to fail. Fail to be indoctrinated! Haha. 
Anyway, moving on. There's a few more huge giveaways as to someone's zoo status. I'm sure you're all familiar with furries. Hell, furries have gone mainstream enough that a lot of you probably are furries. Me too. But there's a dark underside to the furry community hiding a dark, zooey secret. 
"Feral" is code for a character that is an animal and then sometimes they talk. It's a thinly veiled guise trying to hide a dark truth. In the end, they're all just animals. Feral artists and feral enjoyers will protest and say "no it's legally distinct!" But when you're drawing an animal having sex with another animal, that's literally two times as many animals as there are in bestiality, so really those people are like... double zoophiles! 
Another excuse that "feral" (zoo) artists love to use is that their characters are sentient and intelligent. I don't know what that first word means, but I know smart people use words like that so I believed it for a long time. But then something crazy happened that opened my eyes. 
I have a friend. Or should I say, EX friend. We met in an anti-zoophile Discord, where I meet all of my friends. We were in the DMs sharing feral "content" back and forth like normal when he sent me a picture from an artist named Dark Violet. At first, I was like "wow, this is great!" But as my eyes scrolled over the page I realized something... There was no text. I was looking at porn of an animal! I immediately started yelling at my friend. Accusing him of trying to "zoo pill" me. He tried to make some kind of excuse. 
"No bro"
He said
"You have to scroll down. There's a whole story and everything. It's actually more words than you could fit on the picture! There's lots of talking and anthropomorphization and sentience" 
Immediately, I saw his lies for what they were. And also it was a lot of words and I don't like reading. As if in some kind of violent haze I pulled open my 3 gigabyte feral folder and opened photo editor. With each picture I edited out the text and realized what lay beneath. Animal porn. This is part of the zoo agenda. This is grooming at its worst. I immediately alerted the mods of the server about this zoophile and blocked them. And that's why every feral enjoyer is a zoophile. 
Speaking of conspiracies, did you know that even big media is promoting this kind of zoophilic thinking? Yep. Another conspiracy theory proved right. I mean, just think about it. Have you ever heard of the Lion King? Classic Disney movie? What's that movie about? It's two lions (animals) who fall in love together. And in the sequel films, they even have kids! You know what that means! They had sex. That's literally zoophilic. 
It gets even worse though. The original film was very cartoony and silly, but they decided to remake it with a very high tech realistic style. Why would you do this you might ask? Well, it's not to cash in on nostalgia that's for sure. No, it's because they want to zoo-pill a new generation of youths with animals that look even more like the real thing. All Lion King fans are secretly zoophiles, whether they know it or not. This goes for every movie that features animals and also romance. 
My Little Pony? More like My Little Zooey. 
Finding Nemo? More like Zooing Nemo.
Ratatouille? More like Ratazooey.
Bolt? More like.. Uh.. Zolt? Bzoolt? Anyway, you get the idea. 
It's not just feral characters either. Sure, that's the deepest den of debauchery, but let's talk about furries for a second here. Everyone hates furries. They're cringe loser nerds with no friends. Tell me, what's the difference between a furry and a human?
No, like a furry character, not a furry the class of people. God I hate furries. Furry CHARACTERS are just human characters with a little extra. And that extra is animal features. Ears, tails, muzzles, fur. Those are animal things. They even adopt animal genitals! If you ask me, that's pretty fucking zoophilic. If you weren't a zoophile, why would you want your character to have animal traits? Just be into anime and normal TV like everyone else. I see through your lies. I've asked a lot of people, and here's where the line is. A neko character with just ears and a tail is fine. Anything more than that, furry and therefore zoophile. Sorry, I don't make the rules. 
On that same train, all Egyptian gods were furries and so therefore all Egyptians are zoophiles. I don't need to explain further. Similarly, anyone really into Egyptian mythology is a zoo. If you have a friend who says their favorite Assassin's Creed game is Origins, out them immediately. Same with if anyone sends you a picture of the Sphinx.
There's one more category of people that are easy to spot as zoos that I want to mention, and that's anyone who lives in proximity to animals. To start with, "pet owners." Like, how did I not see this before. They want to "live" with an animal? They want to give an animal "cuddles and kisses?" They "love" their "fur" baby? It doesn't get any more zoophilic than that. Every single person that has an animal living with them is a zoophile. 
Not just them though. Also, anyone who works with animals. That's right. From vets to factory farmers they all wanna fuck animals. Why else would they want to spend all those years getting a medical degree in animal biology? I'm sure I can guess their favorite subject, the freaks. 
And hey, did you know farmers actually fuck animals a lot? They're the most devious 'cause they hide in plain sight. Farmers are always jacking off horses and fisting cows and breeding animals. And for some reason, even though most of the time it's clearly rape, they get a pass because everyone has their eyes closed. 
Speaking of farmers, let's talk about meat eaters. They're all zoophiles too. Yeah, there are a lot of them out there. But just think about it. We know all "zoosexuals" are just zoosadists. What's the most sadistic thing that you can do to an animal? Sexually abuse it (that's the farmers) carve it up, and then eat it. Pretty zoosadistic sounding! And then you finish that steak and guess what, suddenly you've got an animal inside of you. Fucking disgusting. Every meat eater is a zoo. 
Any job with animals, zookeepers, dog walkers, fishermen, aviators, animal control. Exterminators... there's probably a lot more but I can't think of them. All zoophiles. 
It's not just work either. Where do animals live? The wild, obviously. So if someone decides to live in a rural area closer to the wild, why do you think that might be? Yup, to be close to all the animals they want to fuck. Typically it's cheaper to live in a rural area than it is a city, so if you ever meet someone who has the money to live in the city but chooses to move to the country instead, well, now you know what's up. As for people that are born in the country, it's a 50/50 coin toss. Sometimes they're saving up to get away from all the zoophiles, but other times they get indoctrinated into the zoophile cult that exists all around them.
It's hard to give an exact number as far as how that breaks down, but my best guess is this. For every 10 minutes out of a major urban area someone lives, there's a 5% added chance that they're a zoophile. It isn't conclusive by any means, but refer to the rest of this guide if you're ever unsure. 
At this point you might be thinking, jeez xxxZoophileHater666xxx, that's way more zoophiles than I expected there to be. And yeah, you're right. There's actually way more tells as well, but my connection to the server is running out of wifi so I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hijack the signal. The most important thing is that anyone could be a zoo. It could be your friends, your family. People you pass by as you walk down the street. There's no way to know for sure who's a zoophile and who isn't, but hopefully this guide helps you figure out who in your life is a good person, and who fucks animals. 
This is xxxZoophileHater666xxx signing off. 
Article written by Tarro xxxZoophileHater666xxx (June 2024)
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