Real Zoo Questions

It's 11 PM at night. Your friend, who is not zoosexual himself but he does respect you, has rolled you another brand new joint. You tell him "thanks dog" in gratitude. He says "don't flirt with me like that," a silly jape between pals. You both laugh, and you inhale on the joint you have just been given. As you hold the smoke in, you mull over the zoosexual thoughts that have been in your mind lately, and then you ask your friend one of these three questions:
 
 
1. "If having sex with horses was scientifically proven to cure cancer, but you had to do it more than once like chemo therapy, how fast do you think states would legalize animal brothels?"
 
It would be like, so fast, right? They would not be able to get the laws passed fast enough. There would be emergency orders and reinterpretations of existing laws to get people lined up at the barn doors. And like to be clear, in this scenario it's not some juice that the horse emits during sex that cures the cancer that we could bottle and remove from the act itself, it's not the meditative thought of having sex with a horse, science cannot tell WHAT it is, all we know RIGHT NOW for the foreseeable future is that having sex with a horse definitely cures cancer. We would have support networks funding trips for cancer patients to get to a more pro-bestiality state before it's too late. We would have scandals of politicians claiming to be against this perverse behavior but secretly funding private sex farms for their family members.
 
What if the horse HAD to like it too? You couldn't just rape a horse for it to work, the only way it works is if you and the horse spend some time together, you get to be close enough that that horse is interested in you, you do a supreme job of scratching that itch that that mare or stallion developed for this inexplicably dashing human who has entered their life, and then she or he is thinking about you later like "Whinny whinny whinny, I hope Greg comes around again tomorrow..." Every magazine lining the check out lanes in grocery stores would have headlines like "Secret To Getting Mares To Look Your Way REVEALED!" and "Veterinarians Discover Ideal Body Weight That Horses Find Sexy In Humans!"
 
During the Black Death, milk maids were found to be unusually immune to the disease. Modern medicine explains that this was due to an enzyme from cows that milk maids were exposed to that blocked the bubonic plague from being transmitted into the milk maid's system. What if that, but it was cancer and sex with horses?
 
 
2. "Do you think if a highly advanced species of aliens came to Earth they would consider it bestiality to date a human?"
 
The answer on most conspiracy forums of the 90s and 2000s is, "Yes it would be bestiality from the alien's perspective, but they would probably do it anyways." Some might also go on to tell you, "In fact, aliens already did procreate with neanderthals thousands of years ago, and modern 'awakened' humans are the spawn of this intergalactic zoosexuality."
 
The prospect of this being another kind of zoosexuality obviously raises even more questions. Would aliens look down with disgust on humans being romantically interested in animals? What are the odds that a multi-species alien United Nebulas has some kind of laws in place about not taking a roll in the hay with species as unintelligent as humans, but some aliens engage in solar system hopping anyways? If a human gets some kind of hunch that these prohibitions exist in alien society, does the human have some kind of obligation to pretend to be disinterested in the alien's advances, or are humans lowly enough that we are without blame in our ignorance?
If we don't really have any kind of moral repulsion at the idea of Spock kissing Kirk, what's the big deal with Lassie kissing me? On the mouth? With tongue?
 
 
3. "Do dogs at the dog park have a lowkey way of telling other dogs that their human puts out?"
 
Animals communicate with us in a lot of ways, wagging if they are giddy about something, shying away if they are nervous about something. What we do know of animal body language, at least in domesticated species like dogs, is way more than enough to understand whether they consider us to be a smash or pass in any given moment.
 
But some of the ways that they communicate with each other are kind of insane. Wolves hunt spread out miles apart from each other and communicate what they are observing, and we still don't know how they do it. What if at the dog park they have a secret nod and a wink that means "Hey Spot, my human still thinks me and her are going to have a litter someday, I haven't told her anything to the contrary." And then the other dog pants twice and lowers their posture for a second, responding, "You're a player, Max! You're lucky though. My human was nice enough to leave me these balls, but not nice enough to give me anything to do with them!"
 
I think the other dogs can probably tell at least a little bit, in some cases. The way that zoos interact with their dogs is so extra compared to other dog "owners." Crouching down on their level, talking person-to-person, making sure that the dog gets an enriching time out of this trip instead of just going to check an item off of a to-do list. The other dogs can probably tell that this dog-human pairing have something special going on. I just wonder if they know the deets, you know?
 
 
Your friend you are smoking with nods along and giggles at the appropriate times, appreciating your perspective on all of these important matters. He will think a lot about this as he goes about his day tomorrow, glad to have a zooey chum who gets him to think about the non-human parts of the world like this.
 
 
Article written by an anonymous author (August 2023)
 
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