Would you still love me if I were a worm

Would you still love me if I were a worm? That was a popular viral question that went around social media a while ago. The framing was that (typically) women would ask the question to their partners as a gauge of their relationship. It's somewhat meant to be an absurdist question. There are few ways that I'm familiar with that one might become a worm. And even if they did, what would that actually... Look like? Is it a temporary transformation? Would you love me if I turned into a worm for a couple hours, and you could feed me and give me nice earth to live in, and then I'd change back? Would I keep my intelligence? I'm assuming that I wouldn't be able to like, speak. Worms don't really have the ability to do that in the way that humans do. Or, would I just be a regular normal old run of the mill worm? 

I find this question interesting as a zoosexual because I'm someone that loves animals, and worms are absolutely animals. But also, like, I don't think that personally I could ever really love a worm. I mean, don't get me wrong. If my partner one day was zapped by a wizard and turned into one, I'd make sure that they had the best possible worm life I could give them. I'd expend all possible avenues to me to try and turn them back from being a worm. But also, I think probably I'd have to accept the fact that my worm partner just can't fulfil the same role in my life that my human partner can. Unlike, for instance, if they were turned into a dog, an animal that I could absolutely still love and have a relationship with. I'm in a relationship with a dog right now even! 

Thinking about this question in an incredibly overly serious capacity really made me think about the traits that I value most in a partner. I think for humans that are attracted to humans, this is a somewhat easier question to answer. Are they funny? Are they nice? Do they treat you well? All of those are incredibly valid questions as they come to finding a partner, both human or otherwise. But humans attracted to other humans very rarely have to ask of their perspective partners "Do I live somewhere conducive for them?" or, "Do I have the ability to give them the lifestyle that they need?" or "Is it legal to even have this animal live with me, and would that be better for them than living out in their natural environment?" This gets even more complicated when you start to factor in more appearance based factors. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone being into blondes, but I do think it's substantially more complicated when your preferences are more about things like appropriate size categories, or how drooly they are, or about whether or not they'll destroy your furniture when you're not home.

There's also a big difference between attraction and relationship-ability. For instance, I find birds really attractive, and were it possible in a way that was safe for both parties, I would love to engage with them in a more intimate capacity. But also, I don't think that I could ever really date a bird. Maybe a super nice Red Tailed Hawk, but they'd really have to blow me away. 

Is it weird to say that you're only really into one species? I mean, there isn't really a great human-sexual equivalent for that. I guess the equivalent would be saying that you're only into humans, which is just generally a majority opinion. There's a part of me that thinks if you're someone that says they're "only into dogs", you're being a bit exclusionary towards all the other animals out there. But also, who the fuck am I to judge. There's an argument to be made that if you're only into one species, that you're attracted to the shape more than the actual animal, but I'm certainly not about to make that argument in this article. Especially as someone that does have species based preferences.

I think probably I could date a deer. Maybe a sheep. A pig. Definitely a raccoon. A moose possibly. I don't think I could date a rat, or a fox, or a gecko, or a whale, or a lemur. I think maybe I could settle down with a kangaroo if I ever found one that wasn't such a gym bro. 

I think I would need a partner that's around the same size category as me. I want to be able to be somewhat physical with them. Not necessarily sexually, but I'd want to be able to hug, cuddle, and play with them without being constantly worried about them breaking, or me accidently hurting them. Similarly, if my partner is too big, and I have to constantly worry about them hurting me, I don't think I could get that comfortable either. If they're a little bigger than me, that's totally fine. But if they're so much bigger they could kill me by rolling over in their sleep that's probably a no go. Even though elephants do seem very cool.  

Along the same vein, I think I'd want a partner that's happy to cuddle sometimes. And as such, they couldn't totally hate the idea of just laying with each other here and there. I'd want a partner that could match my lifestyle in the same way that I match theirs. I love to hike, I love exploring, I love playing video games. I assume that no animal I date would be able to play League of Legends with me, but I would like one that's cool to hang out on the couch, or under/on top of/around my desk sometimes. 

I like animals that are kind, but that aren't pushovers. I don't want a partner that follows my every instruction to a perfect T. I want a partner that has autonomy, and their own wants and needs, and I want them to be able to express that in such a way where I can understand it, either by clear communication, or by force. I want a partner that knows they don't have to put up with my shit if they don't want to, and who chooses to sometimes because they also want to. 

I want a partner that's smart. They don't need to be able to solve aerospace engineering questions or anything, but if they're dumb enough that they can't figure out how to use a door flap I feel like probably we're going to be getting off on the wrong foot. I want them to love learning about the world, because I want to learn about the world with them, and to watch them grow more and more wise as they do so. 

I don't necessarily think I would need them to love me. At least, not in the way that humans use the term. I understand the concept of "love" is something very anthropocentric, and that not every animal necessarily has that same exact feeling. That said, I would want them to at least acknowledge me in a positive manner. I'd want them to be able to show that they like me and trust me at the very least. 

I also think they'd need to be a land animal. Nothing against the dolphin lovers out there, but that's a level of impracticality that I just don't think I'd be personally willing to put up with. I love swimming as much as the next racc, but not enough that I'd want to move to the ocean and set up a beach house they could swim up to. 

Lastly, I think it would probably be good if they didn't want to eat me. A little pred/prey sounds fun here and there, but I just feel like if I was trying to date a crocodile, or a hippo or something, that there would just be the natural fear in the back of my head that if we ever get into a bit of a spat that I might go from partner to dinner. I don't really want my life resting on whether or not meals are on time each day. Maybe that's me being unnecessarily judgmental to predator species, maybe crocodiles are actually really chill once they get to know you, and would never think of making you their meal replacement, but also I just don't really wanna be the one to test it. 

So no, I don't think I would love a worm. In fact, there's a whole lot of species that I wouldn't love. But I think that there are lots other than the typical dogs and horses that I would. In a world where we had some kind of total animal utopia, I think it would be awesome to try and go blind dating with a bunch of different species, but alas. The real last criteria for me to want to date an animal is that it needs to be possible, and as it is, that's the thing that cuts the pool the most. 

Anyway, I love my canine partner, he means the world to me, and I would never replace him with another animal in my life, but sometimes it's fun to think. What weird animals would you date? 


Article written by Tarro (April 2026)

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