Zoo Aesthetic

This might be the least important point I've ever made about anything but like... zoosexuality has a highkey cool look to it, right?

Like, a human all nuzzled up in his huge wolf girlfriend's chest floof as the wolf grips the human in her claws... that just seems obvious that that's really cool.

A human and a horse going on a walk and they're married? Also really cool.

Lately I've been imagining mythological pantheons, just as an abstract concept. Think "Greek Mythology" except I'm not actually specifically thinking about a real-world religion here, I'm just daydreaming about hypotheticals. And so there could be like, a god of battle, and a god of driving the speed limit, BLAH BLAH BLAH, but THEN, there's the god of BEING IN LOVE WITH ANIMALS. WOW. This god OBVIOUSLY has a cool vibe where there is an animal head on a human body, I think probably a dog here but that might be my own canid biases. And this god has all of these stories about mortals who were lonely and so the god sent them an amazing animal partner, or vice versa, an animal was lonely and so the god sent a depressed twink into the wilderness to inadvertently meet the love of their life. And anyways, OBVIOUSLY in this hypothetical pantheon, this would be like the only deity I cared about even a little bit, every other god is like basically really boring, I just wanna know as many deets as possible about the god of animal romance. I would be EMBARASSED to have a shrine in MY bedroom to the loser boring god of battle, when the god of being in love with animals is SO much cooler and makes me wag when I start my day by lighting thirty candles to him or her.

I really vibe with zoo in the context of LGBTQIA+ pride, like, the zoo pride flag and the zeta symbol and everything, I think we're definitely up to snuff with everything else that's going on in that realm, I would say that we're performing way above par even.

I get really psyched when I hear about music that's called stuff like Having Sexual Intercourse With Non-Human Animals In Real Life, although 99 times out of 100 I am let down because it's some kind of joke, and usually not even a particularly good joke, sadly. But then 1 times out of 100 it's Shiv or zipwok and so that makes me happy at least.

It probably isn't too controversial to say that the United States of America should stop having presidents on our money and instead start having illustrations of humans kissing with leopards ($1), sheep ($2), hawks ($5), dalmatians ($10), horses ($20), monkeys ($50), and rats ($100). Some Americans will be like "Good" because they are zoophiles, and other Americans will be like "Good" because they recognize taste.

Humans can have a pretty cool appearance, and animals can have a pretty cool appearance, why not put them together? Romantically? On the clip art embedded in the latest corporate memo that was sent to my email? I PROMISE I would STUDY every word of what that memo had to say.

I like the idea of striking up a conversation with someone in line at Costco or wherever people talk, and you're like, "Yooooo I love the Def Leppard shirt, Hysteria is nonstop bangers," and they're like, "Haha thanks I like your shirt that has a drawing of a dog and says the word 'zoophilia' really big below the dog drawing, that's SO true," and you're like, yeah, this person gets it.

Depending on your life situation, being a zoophile can feel like it has all kinds of downsides, or it can feel like it has all kinds of upsides, but for SURE one of the upsides is just how cool it all is to look at.


Article written by Dogteeth (April 2026)

Questions, comments or concerns? Check out our Matrix server! https://join.zooey.pub