Okay, let’s get real for a second. There are some very sexy animals out there. Dogs, wolves, horses, possums. There’s a flavor out there for everyone. But, there are also some incredibly un-sexy animals out there. Now, I’m not here to yuck anybody’s yum, but nature was much kinder to some of its creatures in the beauty department than it was others. And I thought, as someone that thinks that many different animals are incredibly beautiful, it might be valuable to take a look at some of the animals that are very much not incredibly beautiful. So here are the top ten ugliest animals from the perspective of a zoosexual!
A quick disclaimer before we get into things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everything I’m saying is just my opinion. If you’re attracted to any of these animals, that’s totally okay, and I’m happy for you. Also, just because an animal is ugly doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve our respect (except for #2, fuck #2). Alright, let’s do it!
Number 10: Horseshoe Bat
The Horseshoe Bat is a 8/10 body with a 1/10 face. Bats by themselves are incredibly cool creatures. Just take Flying Foxes for instance. Beautiful coloration, very nice features. But if all the different species of bats were having a family get together, the horseshoe would be the one asked to take the picture. They have soft fur, and big cute ears, but have fun trying to focus on any of those things when their weird face is staring at you. These bats actually echolocate nasally, emitting sound from their nostrils. The strange facial feature (known as a nose-leaf) then can be used to modify the sound. Some scientists even believe that they can use this to communicate in more complex ways with other bats! While it’s a very practical feature, it’s not a very aesthetic one, and that gets them a place on this list. If I get set up on a blind date with one of these guys, I’m definitely (nose)-leafing immediately.
Number 9: Sun Bear
Now you might be thinking to yourself, how could a bear be on this list? I’m sure everyone has a picture of what basically every bear looks like, and then you change the color to change the species. Well, imagine that bear, but every single thing about them is just a little bit wrong. The face is too wide and too short, the body is too big for the limbs. The claws are weird hoops. Sun Bears are what it looks like when you ask a child to draw a bear from memory. They’re also the smallest of all Ursiade, which is decidedly un-bearlike in itself. Give me a Polar Bear any day, but the Sun Bear is a definite pass. They should change their name to Moon bears ‘cause they’d probably do better at night.
Number 8: Venus Fly Trap
I can already hear people complaining “But Tarro, that’s not an animal, that’s a plant!” And you know what I say to that? Venus Fly Traps may grow in the ground, but they have mouths and they eat meat. That’s plenty animal enough for me to consider them for this list. Not to mention, they don’t have any attractive features at all! The mouth isn’t really even that mouth like! The Venus Fly Trap is missing all the good traits of both plants and animals. It doesn’t have pretty flowers or a nice fragrance like the best plants, and it doesn’t have the legs and ability to move like the best animals. The Fly Trap certainly won’t be trapping my desire any time soon.
Number 7: Mosquitoes
I don’t think I even need to explain myself here, but I’m going to do it anyway because I had to look at a picture of a mosquito to post this and that already dried me right up, so to speak. Mosquitoes are awful creatures, they spread tons of disease, and they’re just absolute pests if you’re trying to have a fun summer night camping with your friends. Even if you’re into a little bit of blood play, these little buggers will leave you feeling itchy for hours even after the play session is done. And even their appearance sucks. Their eyes are huge, their proboscis is way too long, and the brown coloration is so 2016. Mosquito? More like, mosquit-no fucking way.
Number 6: California Condor
When you think of birds, what do you think of? Is it cute and colorful songbirds, singing to each other in order to find love? Is it majestic and elegant birds like eagles or owls that carry with them a sense of wisdom and majesty? Is it birds that perform amazing feats like peregrine falcons who can speed through the air like a rocket? Because this bird is none of those. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite of all of those. The California Condor is what happens when you glue a body and wings to a piece of back bacon. These weird head-featherless birds not only are liable to give you a shock, they’re also remarkably slow for flying creatures, choosing instead to soar for long distances in order to try and spot prey that won’t be running away from them (i.e. corpses). And their call is far from romantic, instead sounding like someone that ate tar trying to clear their throat. This is one California girl I would consider incredibly deniable.
Number 5: Purple Frog
Have you ever wanted to date a slimy slightly gone bad potato? No? Well, then you can probably understand why our next animal is on our list. The Purple Frog is neither purple nor really a frog if we’re being honest. It’s more like a ball with tiny arms and legs, and a face that looks like it should be spread out about 50% more. Not to mention, they’re constantly frowning! Plus, just look at that weirdly human shaped nose. Supposedly the shape of their body is to help them cling to rocks underwater so they can sit for long periods in turbulent rivers, but with this frog I think I’m ready to get washed away.
Number 4: Humans
This might be a controversial pick, but interestingly for some people they should be much lower and others they should be much higher, so let me explain my reasoning. I am still attracted to humans as a zoosexual. Not all of us are, but I happen to be. That said, that doesn’t mean that I’m particularly excited about it. Humans are incredibly boring. No cool fur patterns, no neat anatomy. There is one thing that keeps them from being lower on the list though, and that’s convenience. While they might not be much to look at, there’s for sure a lot of them, and you probably interact with them pretty naturally throughout the day. In fact, there are even places you can go to if you’re looking to hook up with one that exist specifically to facilitate that process. Humans are like plain white wonderbread. It’s cool that it exists if you’re looking to make a sandwich, but if someone offers you just a slice of bread as a meal, you’re not going to be very happy. It’s oh-no sapien for these creatures.
Number 3: Naked Mole Rats
Have you ever received a picture of a male’s genitals unsolicited? There’s a very specific reaction, especially if the genitals aren’t particularly flattering. There’s an uglyness to it that is frankly staggering. That’s the exact same reaction I get every time I see a picture of a naked mole rat unexpectedly. They look like sausages that have sat directly in the sun in the middle of the desert for four days straight. The sausage is starting to get moldy, so there’s little hairs sticking out of it, and for some reason also it’s growing teeth and the teeth are also very ugly it’s just not great. I think I prefer my mole rats with fur. I certainly shant be getting naked with this animal.
Number 2: Bed Bugs
If you’ve ever had bed bugs before, I’d like to first start by saying sorry for the stress flashbacks I probably just caused you. Bedbugs are an insect that, as the name implies, typically build their homes in or around the sleeping areas of other animals. They’re small, and while you sleep they crawl out from whatever den of hell they exist in, bite you, drink your blood, and then hide away again. They’re incredibly adept at staying out of sight, which means you could have an unwanted bedside companion for a long time before realizing it. Not to mention, they love spreading, and will happily hitch a ride on articles of clothing in order to find new sleeping accommodations to haunt. Honestly, they don’t even look awful, I just fucking hate these fucking things and every night if my leg itches I have a flash back and I start to panic and I just can’t stop thinking about them and I want to burn my house down they’re so awful even just thinking about them oh god. And that’s why they’re number two.
Number 1: Stargazer
No my friends, that’s not photoshop. That’s a Stargazer, a kind of fish. It’s dramatic irony of the highest degree that an animal with such a noble and bold name is also literally the ugliest animal on the entire planet. Their face is on the top of their body, hence the name, and they use this by burying themselves in the silt of the ocean floor with just their eyes peeking out. Then, when prey swims by, they can dislodge themselves and thrust upwards in order to catch them. But here’s the thing. They don’t even have a normal face. Their eyes are huge and bulbous, pointing in different directions. And their mouth is the most unsettling mixture of huge lips and thin jagged teeth. But if you thought that’s where the horror stopped, oh boy. All Stargazers are venomous as well, because god thought they needed more ways to be absolutely awful. The venom might not kill you, but it’s certainly going to hurt. And if that wasn’t enough, there are even some species that will not only poison you but also ELECTROCUTE YOU. That’s right! They can hit you with a solid 220 volts of pure ugly electricity, which by the way is certainly enough to stop your heart. These fish are mean, deadly, and just frankly really awful to see. They easily take the number one spot as the ugliest animals on the planet. No pun for this one, they’re just really not good to look at.
And that’s the top 10 ugliest animals according to a zoosexual! Do you agree, disagree, feel like we missed something? Let us know! Thanks for reading this really silly list and remember, all animals are deserving of our kindness, even if they are just fucking hideous.
Article written by Tarro (January 2023)
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