For a “Zoosexual Lifestyle and Advocacy” magazine, we sure do write a lot of words. And while that’s very helpful for relating our message to humans, it doesn’t really work so well when it comes to delivering the same content to the animals that are attracted to humans. They are after all, also zoosexual since they’re attracted to you. And so, this article is for them. That said, it’s going to have to require a bit of teamwork to convey the message. Also, I should note, this is for canines specifically, so if you have a partner of a different species you can try it, but we’re not responsible for if things get lost in translation. I’m going to tell you what to say/do, and then you just need to do it. Sound good? Let’s get started!
Step one: Find your partner
Step two: Get on all fours in front of them, much like another dog
Step three: Walk up to them so that you’re almost touching noses with each other. At this stage, if your partner gives you a little lick, that’s just a point of encouragement to keep going.
Step four: Gently boop their nose with your nose, lock eyes, and do a little pant. Just a little one though.
Step five: Wag your butt as though you had a tail, to convey that you’re having a great time with them. If you’re really feeling it, you can give a maximum of two happy barks. Any more and it means something else.
Step six: If they in turn walk around you and start to smell your butt, allow it. This is just communication. If they decide to mount, stop them, this isn’t that kind of message. You can do that once you’re done with this.
Step seven: At this point, stand back up. You’ve communicated like a dog, but now it’s time to communicate like a human. Sit/crouch/do something to become relatively eye level other than getting on all fours, because that sends the wrong message.
Step eight: Say their name, but do it nice. Do this until they look at you.
Step nine: Tell them a story where they’re the main character and do something cool. It doesn’t need to be a complicated story, just something kinda off the cuff. We as humans use stories to convey a lot of emotion, and this is the best way to give them that context while doing so as a human in a zooey relationship.
Step ten: If they get bored with your story, go quickly read a book on storytelling for dogs, and then repeat from step one.
Step eleven: Once you’re finished with the story, give them lots of head pets. This is so they know that we here at Zooey Dot Pub care about them and their general well being.
Step twelve: Give them two treats for putting up with all of this nonsense.
And there we go! That’s our article specifically written for dogs. We hope they enjoyed it, and that they understood the message, which of course was a scathing review of animal cruelty laws in the United States. And don’t worry if you didn’t get it, they did. Happy April Fools day!
Article written by Tarro (with much help from their partner) (April 2023)
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