Do not pet your dog!!

Dear readers, today I learned about something horrifying. Something so utterly disgusting and vile that I couldn’t even believe my eyes when I first saw it. I was outraged, I was nearly brought to tears, I was shook to my core. No good and righteous god would allow this kind of pure evil to exist in our world. Especially when the victim of this crime is pure, innocent animals! Now, I know that most ordinary animal owners would never even think of such a thing, but to my dismay I have to tell you that not all owners are so morally correct. There is a subset of people out there who will, behind the dingy closed doors of their homes, probably in dark damp basements, put their hands on their dogs! That’s right. They give their dogs “Pets”!

Now I know what you’re thinking. Clearly that’s ridiculous. Nobody could do that to a pure defenceless animal. But I hate to tell you reader that it’s all true. They even have a community around people who support petting animals! They speak about petting their dogs openly like it’s not something to be ashamed of! Of course, as soon as I found out about this nonsense, I did what any reasonable person would do. I made a burner twitter account and started telling people that they should burn in the flames of hell for all time! But, and this is real dear readers, those petters had the gall to not immediately start lighting the match. Instead, they went so far as to reply to my messages! They tried to justify their actions using some of the worst and least thought out arguments I’ve ever seen. After spending a full hour sending them “L’s” and “Ratios” they still didn’t realize they’d lost! And so, having given up on trying to change their minds, I’m instead going to go over all the reasons that they’re wrong here in the hopes that they will read it and realize how abusive they’re being.

First of all, and I can’t believe I even have to mention this, petting dogs is not natural! Dogs were never made to be pet, that’s obvious! Our human hands were not made to be touching the fur of dogs, much less once we start touching them on the head! In the wild, there is no such thing as petting. Have you ever seen a dog just start tapping the head of another dog with their paw? Of course not! In the real world, dogs barely touch each other. A quick sniff of the butt and then off you go. When people pet their dogs, they don’t understand the massive damage that they could be doing to the dog with the force of their hand. Especially if you’re petting them on the head! They could be giving the dog brain damage! While dogs may seem like they’re enjoying this action, it’s only because they don’t know any better! But, this isn’t the only radical idea these animal abusers have!

The biggest “justification” that these petters have is the misguided idea that somehow their animals can choose to consent to an action like petting! Now, to any rational thinker and logical mind, it’s clear that that sentiment is ridiculous. After scrolling through google for a few minutes to find a definition that fit the point I’m trying to make, described consent as:

“An agreement to do something or to allow something to happen, made with complete knowledge of all relevant facts, such as the risks involved or any available alternatives.”

Clearly, this shows that there’s no way that a dog could consent to being pet! As everyone knows, a dog is basically just a three year old, and a three year old definitely can’t explain the risks of petting. If the dogs of these villains knew what was going on, there’s no doubt that they would instead choose to protest against such actions! If they knew how clearly and utterly destructive it was, there’s no way that the dogs would allow such a thing! But these petters take advantage of their dogs just to touch some fur! To get around this, I’ve decided that consent needs to be verbally spoken. Only when it comes to animals of course, it would be ridiculous to try to navigate society without any regard for the natural body cues we use to give and take consent in human society. This rule only applies to animals, so that these petting freaks can no longer use body language as their excuse!

Now you may be thinking to yourself, dear reader, that there’s no way any self-respecting canine would just stand there and get pet without some kind of protest! Well, this brings me to the final and potentially most vile action that these filthy petters do, and that’s training their dogs to pretend to enjoy petting! Of course, a human who owns a dog is responsible for feeding and maintaining said animal, and so it’s ever so easy for these disgusting deviants to use the promise of food to “train” an animal to become compliant to petting. In fact, dogs are so socially developed, and so intelligent, that they will even learn that the best way for them to get food is to submit to more petting! They may even wag their tails and smile, but this is because the humans have trained them to do so! Why it’s practically grooming! For those of you that are weak of stomach, I would advise you to turn away now, but while researching this topic on the twitter page “@I-bully-zoophiles-420” I learned the secret of how these perverted people train their dogs. Everyone knows dogs love food. Well, these petters will go to the store, buy peanut butter, and then put their dog in a room, put some peanut butter on their hand, and then while the dog is licking the treat, they’ll use their other hand to PET THEM. It for sure happens all the time because I heard it once! I frankly was gagging in my chair as I read it! The gall! The horror! And supposedly, if done enough, the dog will associate the peanut butter with the pets, and their brains are so small that the pets will make them think of the peanut butter, and they’ll become okay with the touching! I can’t believe there’s someone out there who’s evil enough to even think of such a perverse proposition!

And the worst part about this immoral epidemic is that anyone, and I mean ANYONE could secretly be a petter. You have no way of knowing whether the kindly cashier that just rung up your groceries might have just been petting their dog with the same hands that are now passing you your change! I shudder even thinking about it! It’s time to put an end to all of this. We can no longer allow these disgusting petters to have a platform. Think of all the children who may come across one of their frankly upsettingly well made songs about how much they pretend to “love” their animals! Their podcasts where they talk about why petting is just “misunderstood.” Think for a moment of your children, your siblings, your friends potentially becoming a dog petter! For the sake of morality, justice, and maintaining the status quo, we must find a way to right this injustice.

I can’t believe this even needs to be said, but I guess this is the world that we live in, where our social morals are so bankrupt that even the basics need to be re-established.


Article written by Tarro (October 2022)

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