When we present ourselves as zoophiles in public online spaces, it’s unfortunate that some people feel the need to argue about our identity. There really should be very little to argue about. We are who we are, period, end of story. It helps that most arguments against a zoosexual lifestyle are nonsense right on their face. “Animals can’t consent!” “ok well I asked my dog and he seemed to have a very different opinion as far as that was concerned. How about you put down the cheeseburger, take some deep breaths, go pet a horse, and then maybe we’ll talk again sometime.”
But, it isn’t completely black and white either. There are a handful of very valid arguments to be made against choosing a dog as a long term partner, and as a community, we would do good to not ignore them. So before saying yes to that gorgeous German Shepherd’s advances, do take an honest look at the situation, and make sure that you can square these arguments.
#1: Dogs cannot open a jar for you
Scientists have long been aware of the fact that the lids on jars seem to have strange properties that are not shared by anything else in the entire field of physics. The problem is this: sometimes, no matter the amount of grip or strength that someone applies, a jar will simply not open for them. Not now, not ever. However, if this occurs, then that person only needs to hand the jar to somebody else and it will pop right open. Colloquially this phenomenon is often called “I loosened it for you.”
The second person, the one who actually opens the jar, doesn’t even have to be stronger than the first person. They can be weaker, have a worse technique, and maybe even have slippery sweaty hands, and the jar will still open for them. But the unfortunate fact of the matter for us zoos is that, at the end of the day, the second person does at least have to have hands. If the second person doesn’t have hands, it is the one exception to them being able to get that jar open. And this means, as I’m sure many zoos have already experienced, a dog cannot open a jar for you. You can place it in front of them, but the best you can hope for is that they’ll sniff the jar, wag, look at the jar, look at you, and wonder what the contents of the jar will smell like when you take the jar back and open it for them.
Horses are no better for this, nor are sheep, cattle, or really any of your mainline barnyard animals. There may be hope in the world of monkeys and octopuses, and I do hope that primatologists and marine biologists can someday work with zoos to conduct a study in this realm when it comes to the intersection of zoosexuality and exotic species jar opening. But in the meantime, if you’re committing to a zoo relationship, odds are that you’re committing to sometimes having jars that will remain in the cupboard sealed until the end of time.
#2: You cannot share sweaters
Sharing clothes is an adorable part of many relationships. If you’re dating a human and you don’t sometimes wear their clothes, wyd?
It can also be a matter of practicality. Sometimes it’s cold outside like brr chilly need warmb, and you haven’t done laundry and you need to borrow something toasty to wear from your partner.
Unfortunately, no matter whether you’re an S or whether you’re an XXXL, animal bodies are shaped different than human bodies. What fits you will at best be awkward on your animal partner; what fits them will at best be awkward on you. If you’re hoping to casually go about your day at work while wearing something that you knitted for your dog or your horse, you’re more than likely going to be called out on what in the world that odd garment you’re wearing is. Sharing sweaters is a brutal miss when it comes to the efficacy of zoo relationships.
#3: They never help with the dishes
As I sit here and write this, I can crane my neck towards the kitchen, and see the daunting amount of dishes that have piled up in the sink. Am I responsible for using most of them? Sure, sure. MOST of them. But have some of them been used to get dog food out of a can, or used to fry up some strips of beef for a certain dog, or even used to prepare human food which I always make without things he’s allergic to because we all know he’s going to get some pieces of that food too? I’m just saying, it would be nice if I wasn’t the only one who could scrub plates and run a dishwasher.
Realistically, the same is probably going to go for most household chores. Unless there is very specific training involved, an animal partner is probably not going to care to sweep the floor, dust around on all the surfaces, or even take out the trash.
If you want to date an animal, make no mistake that you are more than likely going to be the housewife in that dynamic, no ifs ands or buts.
#4: They won’t help you figure out your taxes
Taxes are scary and complicated. You know who’s not going to help? Fido over there licking his own balls, attractive as that may be. Do you know what forms you need? Do you know where to GET those forms if you don’t have them already? Well you better figure it out, because he’s not going to do it.
With other humans in your life, you may be privileged enough to have those humans’ very existence make things easier as far as taxes go. Maybe you can list your child as a dependent; maybe you and your spouse can file your taxes jointly as a household. But whether you’re dating a wolf a donkey or a dolphin, the biggest extent to which the government is going to care is what that animal person’s monetary value would be if you were to sell them as property.
An animal partner can help you figure out a lot of things, from when it’s time to get up and go for your morning walk to when it’s time to get up and go for your evening walk now please, but taxes are one thing that they’re going to be very little help with.
#5: Dad jokes are completely lost on them
Animals are not humorless. A monkey may cackle if they manage to throw their poop at you. A dog, while they may not laugh as such, will probably understand the humor and entertainment if you playfully run around “hiding” from them and dart around corners in surprising directions, peeking your head around to them where they aren’t sure to expect it. But, when it comes to wordplay, it’s often like talking to a wall.
If you tell them a knock knock joke, nothing. If you tell them a dirty limerick, head tilts and then nothing. While animals can be surprisingly fluent in understanding our human jabbering, puns are unfortunately an area that’s pretty difficult for them.
If you want to be partners with an animal and you want them to appreciate your jokes, your best bet is with slapstick, which can be a real blow to those of us who consider ourselves more verbally witty.
Those five arguments against zoosexuality are big ones. I don’t want to act like there’s an easy way to sweep them under the rug. But if, after reading those arguments, you’re still on the fence, I will just drop in some ideas that may tip things - just slightly - more to the pro zoo side for you. Again, not to ignore the problems here entirely, but just some little things to ponder to maybe help guide your thoughts.
For one thing, these issues are really only a concern if you’re zoo exclusive. If you could manage to have an animal partner and a human partner, then although you still won’t be able to share these things with your animal partner specifically, you will still have someone for whom the outlook on these things is more optimistic. Even if full on human romance is a no-go for you, a lot of these things are also accomplishable if you have a really good human friend.
For another thing, although animals may be little help to us directly when it comes to human concerns, it certainly isn’t because of the fact that they’re unsympathetic. If they see that taxes have you stressed, they may come over and offer themselves to be pet, for your comfort and theirs. Your sweaters may not fit them, but they may get a kick out of seeing you wear their collar every once in a while.
They definitely still aren’t going to do the dishes though.
Article written by an anonymous author (December 2022)
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