Who are you to debate a zoo?

Hi hater,

I’ll keep this brief because I know that reading is not your thing. Here is a list of 4 questions to ask yourself before harassing minorities on the internet:

1. Why am I more of an expert on this topic than the person who’s living this life?

2. Have I really considered everyone’s point of view?

3. Am I on the right side of history?

4. Are there bigger fish to fry?

Go ahead and pretend to have thought about any of these for more than literally two seconds before mentally responding with “animals are 3 year olds I don’t have to be an expert to understand that,” and “yes I’m on the right side of history go to hell rapists.” Congratulations on having the argumentative skills of a toddler: bold of you to say that people with the mental capacity of a child shouldn’t be allowed to have relationships.

Because I think that you need a lot of help working through the steps of this very easy mental exercise, let’s go through this one question at a time. Don’t worry we’ll still keep it short, because again, reading: not your thing.

1. Why am I more of an expert on this topic than the person who’s living this life?

I don’t really know that much about French. If I went to France and sat down to a conversation in a bar, what in the shit would give me any right to correct anyone’s French pronunciation? Not everyone is an expert in everything. Maybe you heard what zoosexuality is and your kneejerk reaction to it is to think it’s icky. Maybe you saw some internet celebrity say that zoosexuality is bad, and you like them so you want to be on their side about this.

But are you automatically an expert at every issue that ever crosses your radar? Every topic you ever hear about, you feel qualified to render some verdict on? Are you an expert on animal behavioral studies and queer issues? Have you spent more than a decade of your life very physically getting to understand the ins and outs (😏) of what a zoosexual relationship is actually like? If you heard that zoosexuality is bad from someone else, are they an expert? Maybe they’re funny, or they’re a good public speaker, but are they an expert on this topic, or are they just a funny entertainer? Is it possible that someone who professes to love animals to the point that it’s a core definition of who they are might know more than you about this subject?

2. Have I really considered everyone’s point of view?

A serial killer named Ted Bundy kidnapped, raped, and murdered over thirty women in the 1970s. Do you think that all heterosexual people are serial killers? There is indeed a video on the internet of someone using a saw and his bare hands to kill nine newborn puppies and then their mother for his sexual pleasure. Do you think that there’s no middle ground between that and someone whose dog starts humping them so they give the excited furry man a handjob? Is there a possibility that you heard about monsters and got excited that that might be all of us, when really, most of us are pretty boring folks who just like to be extra good homies to our animal companions?

How about the animal’s point of view? Have you really thought about him? You don’t think there’s a chance that he might be humping a pillow, glance over, see his human offering her butt instead, and think oh my dog really??? I CAN????? Sometimes nonhuman animals get all the same things out of a good screw as humans do. If you were him I bet you would be making the argument that being deprived of that forever would be the objectionable thing.

3. Am I on the right side of history?

All your friends think it’s really cool you hate zoophiles, huh? Hating zoophiles is based because of how accepted of a position it is right? Do you think it was ever cool to hate queers? Do you think the Ku Klux Klan was ever a social club who marched in parades? Do you think slave owners didn’t take the most myopic magnifying glasses to their Holy Bibles and philosophy codices to make themselves okay with what they were doing? Leviticus 20:15, right? Is there a chance that the people in history who wanted to pick on people justified it to themselves? Is there a chance that they were the same kinds of humans that you are?

Would you rather be a bad guy? Or one of the good ones?

4. Are there bigger fish to fry?

About 300 million cows are slaughtered every year for food. It is literally an everyday practice for these cows to have semen forcibly injected into them by a human to keep up “production.” When baby cows are born, they are usually stolen from the mother so that the milk can go to humans. Do you eat meat? Do you eat cheese? Chicken? Bacon? Do you feel like you want to weasel your way out of this line of questioning? Does it make you uncomfortable that you would call a pig cute, slit her throat and eat her flesh, and then tell a zoophile jerking off a stallion that he should go to hell?

If you actually want to change the world, are you going about it in an effective way? If you worked at Animal Rights Inc., would your boss sign off on your proposal that he pay you for 8 hours per day to argue with a few dozen minorities on the internet, or do you think he would prefer you spend your paid time sabotaging the unethical exploitation of animals that contains all of the same “evils” as zoophilia to the power of 100?

Maybe start with the bigger target, brainiac.

Wrapping Up

In conclusion, I will not believe you have read any of this unless you write me an essay containing thoughtful counterpoints to literally every item I have raised in here. Please address your response to the Twitter comments of this article or to the Zooey Dot Pub Discord’s article discussion channel. I’ll be waiting. Until then, stay in your lane.

Article written by Dogteeth (June 2023)

Find her in the Zooey Dot Pub Discord linked below!

Questions, comments or concerns? Check out the discussion thread over on ZooCommunity, or join our Discord server!

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