Permission to be a Zoophile
Have you ever played one of those puzzle games where there's a different colored piece that's stuck within a bunch of other pieces, and you have to figure out how to slide all of the other pieces out of the way in order to free the main piece? Or, have you heard of escape rooms (maybe even done one!), where some people get locked in a room for fun, and then they have to solve a bunch of riddles and find hidden areas and clues in order to finally get the key that unlocks the way out?
I think that freeing yourself as a zoosexual--embracing zooey feelings that you have--can feel sort of like that. You get brought up in a world that tells you "Animals are food," "Animals are great friends," "NOBODY SAYS ANIMALS ARE SEXY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WEIRD AND UNACCEPTABLE TO SAY," and then piece by piece, idea by idea, you kinda gotta figure out how to get all of these other things out of the way before you can get the zoo piece where you'd like it to be, hold the zoo piece, examine the zoo piece in the full light of day.
But... do you have to figure *everything* else out, before you're allowed to figure out the zoo thing? What if instead of playing along with the puzzle's rules, you just picked that one piece up? What if to get out of the escape room, you just said, "I want to leave the escape room now, I'm no longer playing, let me leave." Obviously the puzzle and the escape room are *games*, and you're being no fun at all if you don't play along with the rules of the game like that. But, what if self acceptance doesn't really work the same way as those games do? What if someone gave you permission to be a zoophile?
I would like to now present to you, your OFFICIAL Zoosexual Permission Card!
You can fill it out if you want to, or not. I filled out mine. It was great fun. I *am* assuming that it *is* a zoo I'm talking to right now; I'm assuming, for no reason, that you, the reader, are a zoo, and that you can be issued this card. (Anyone who wants one can take one. They're free. There's no test. I won't even care if you take one and you're not a zoo after all. I have buckets of them under the desk in the zoo waiting room, if someone took four I would smile charmingly and then when they left set out four new ones.)
There are very serious things that we grapple with, as zoos, or as prospective zoos: Can animals consent to human sex? Do I need to do anything about the fact that mum made not-even-remotely-vegan lasagna for dinner today, yet I would run away with a cow tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself? Can I tell anyone about this, or is this a mega-mega-mega secret, even from my best friend? Does feeling this way mean that something's wrong with me?
In my opinion, the question "Am I zoo?" does not have to wait until all of the rest of the questions are answered; quite the opposite, I've always found that my answer of "yes" gives me a very special and important perspective as I think through all the rest. I care about animals greatly; I think about them basically all the time; things that animals tell me inform me in ways it's sometimes shocking to remember that non-zoos seldom (or never) think about.
In Young Adult books, it's very common to see some kind of Test or Ritual that is going to sort you into one of five-ish factions. It's the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter. It's the Choosing Ceremony in Divergent, if anyone reading is old enough to remember when that one was one of the big movies of the season (maybe not). Because it's easier that way, right? It makes it easier to think about. It's easier to know that you are now marked with this label for a fact, and now you have solid footing with which to get all introspective about what that label means for you, thrive in the things your label excels at, grapple with the ways that you DON'T enjoy being part of this label. (I'm a Gryffindor, by the way. And I'm a zoosexual. These days I get dirtier looks for saying I'm a Gryffindor. Thanks JK, you crazy, crazy woman.)
I would love to have had a cool-as-feathers Zoo Friend in real life when I was a teenager, who would give me permission to be a zoo like him or her (or them or it or more, I didn't know any thems or its or more back then, but hey, why not break down some permissions about gender and pronouns too while we're on a roll with this zoo stuff). This hypothetical Zoo Friend would show me the good kinds of videos, tell me all the lingo and bylaws, and maybe we could each write the word "Zoosexual" on our hands in marker and shake on it, completing the ritual, sealing the deal. Alas, I had no such Zoo Friend to hang out with back then. I did have a few supportive furries I would email with, but, it didn't quite scratch that itch, it didn't inform me of the things that that teenager needed to know, it still left me free to think for some years that I had been saddled with a curse, not a gift.
Because support from others does matter. It does help. I think the current suite of zoo-positive media and zooey online personalities and zooey chatrooms really does give the average confused newcomer more resources to figure themselves out.
There's no rush. If you're unsure, that's allowed too. You're allowed to be unsure for as long as you need or want. You don't have to come to the zoo party at the next furry convention near you. You don't have to keep scrubbing the dog slobber off of yourself in the shower (or longing to have to, depending on if there actually is such a four-legger in your life right now who feels that way about you.) Or, conversely, you don't have to stop talking to someone because they're a zoo and you're unsure what you are; you don't have to decline Fluffy's slobbery advances if you'd like to accept them, even while you're still figuring out if this thing with him is a crazy fling or the real you (and perhaps his devil-may-care attitude may be more full of wisdom than you realize in these trying times).
The clock is not ticking. Well, it is, but it will keep doing that for a very long time, so, don't worry about it much. And you're allowed to reach either answer. Maybe you aren't a zoo. That's always been allowed too. Some of my best friends are non-zoos. I don't hold it against them. They're still willing to come to the zoo table and play Cards Against Humanity with us, and I love them for that openmindedness, that willingness to join in on our fun.
The Official Zoosexual Permission Card is still yours to take if you want one, by the way. I didn't see if you already took one while you were up at that part of the article. Just a reminder about it. If you want it its yours, I won't ask any questions. Grab another one for a friend too, if you want.
Who knows? Maybe the label that best fits you will be one that you invent. Grey Zoosexual has a ring to it. The world is yours to talk about. You are empowered to words.
If you find yourself feeling certain ways about certain animals, if you think you're a zoo, if you want to be a zoo, I am giving you my permission to join the club.
Article written by DoesAnyoneRememberOrbeez? (November 2025)
Oh hey, did you want a place to talk with some zoos about all of this?
