I am disgusted by how you keep looking at my sexy, sexy dog
Dear Zoosexual,
I am disgusted by how you keep looking at my sexy, sexy dog.
When we’re walking down the street, I am appalled by how you look at him. This sort of behavior disgusts me. I can’t believe that there are people out there who appreciate his gorgeous fur, muscular legs, and come-hither tail. Not even to mention his loving personality. That’s simply not for the likes of you to be thinking about!
When we have a visit to the dog park, he’s there to play with his friends, not to be ogled by some weirdo. I bet you’re probably imagining some appalling scenario where you and he have a lovely dinner together, watch a nice movie, then snuggle up in front of the fireplace. It’s warm, but not too warm. There’s just enough of a chill in the air that you need to cuddle close to each other, sharing your warmth. You’re feeling each other’s hearts beat as you start to doze off, dreaming of the future. Sickening.
I simply cannot imagine the level of perversion that fills your twisted mind. I can barely fall asleep at night because I’m so worried about what you might be fantasizing about. Some sort of nightmarish dystopia where you and my dog are loving partners, treating each other as equals, and living a long, happy life free of judgement. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, weirdo?
Even right now! I bet you’re creating some scenario in your head where you and my gorgeous stud of a dog spend years together, celebrating with each other in times of joy and lending comfort in times of pain. You gaze into each other’s eyes, knowing that the love you share needs no words, but you say it anyway. He may not understand the words exactly, but he feels the way you say them, and he brings himself close to you to return the sentiment. You give him a little kiss. He licks you back. You both feel a heat in your chests that can only be brought about by the closest of relationships. When you see each other, you see the whole world. Nothing else matters right now. It’s just you and him: everything to one another. It’s a love that transcends life itself. In this moment, all your cares melt away. What more could you possibly want? It’s this unconditional love that gives existence its very meaning.
Just appalling.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, he’s calling me to bed. Neither of us can sleep when we’re apart.
Sternly,
Your perfectly normal neighbor
Article written by Cervuus Doe (September 2025)
Find her at https://bsky.app/profile/cervuus.bsky.social
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